


pretty girls make me nervous when they’re as pretty as you

by WishaDream



Series: Control Shorts [4]
Category: Control (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Longing, Mutual Pining, Pining, Spoilers for main game and dlc, emily's side at the end, emily's time in the hiss shown, jesse takes a nap and wakes up with emily beside her, polaris as wingwoman, story title from a song called pretty girls make me nervous by prozzak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:54:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28922427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishaDream/pseuds/WishaDream
Summary: Jesse hasn't been feeling well lately and Emily advices/orders her to get some rest.What harm/pleasure can a little nap bring?One just has to open their eyes to see all the possibilities/potential.
Relationships: Jesse Faden/Emily Pope
Series: Control Shorts [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2119476
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	pretty girls make me nervous when they’re as pretty as you

Jesse was unable to stop herself from yawning as she reached up to cover her mouth with her hand.

“We shouldn’t have too much else to do before we can leave,” Emily paused as she gave Jesse a good natured smile, “I’m sorry. Am I boring you?”

“No, sorry I just—,“ Jesse yawned again, “I’m having trouble focusing.”

Emily frowned, looking concerned as she asked, “When was the last time you slept?”

_Yesterday. Last week. It’s hard to tell time here._

“It hasn’t been that long.”

The head of research did not look like she believed Jesse, “Why don’t we end things here and you go get a nap.”

“I’m fine, Emily, really.”

She looked like she wanted to object, before she could Jesse said, “I’m sure I get better sleep than anyone else here. How do any of you sleep wearing those HRAs?”

Emily looked down at the device on her chest that was basically keeping her alive. She let out a light chuckle, “I’ll admit it’s not the most comfortable companion. But I’ve found if I sleep on my back I barely notice it. And I really only sleep for an hour or two every four to six hours.”

Jesse’s eyes widened, “You’re not serious. How do you focus with that little sleep?”

“I feel refreshed after a quick nap. Besides, that’s about how long my brain will let me relax before it wakes me up with all the things I have to do.”

Jesse shook her head as she started to rise from her seat. A terrible decision she found as she started to tip over as black spots splashed across her vision.

A hand grabbed her elbow, keeping her upright as she found Emily holding her up. The woman had moved a lot quicker than she would have expected. She was probably used to reacting quickly when her experiments were about to explode.

“Jesse,” concern filled Emily’s voice as her hand gripped the other woman’s arm tighter, “Are you okay?”

Her head was throbbing as the world spun for another moment, “Yeah. Just a little more tired than I realized.”

“Let me help you to the safe room.”

Jesse shook her head with a smile, “I can get there on my own.”

She took a step as the world shifted beneath her feet, “Is the Old House moving again?”

“No. It’s only you.” Emily held her arm tighter, “Just let me help you.”

Jesse lost all humor as she frowned ahead at the door leading out to Central Executive. Out there the rest of staff was working on solutions to clearing out the last of the Hiss. If they saw her being propped up by Emily…she did not like the idea of what it would do to their morale.

They were so close to having this done. But if the director looked like she could not stand upright on her own what might they think of her ability to help them when they were right at the end.

Jesse pulled her arm free. “I’m okay. Really.”

Emily’s jaw was tight as she looked like she wanted to argue. The look reminded her of the one she had worn when the two had argued in the Foundation. Up till that point the two had always spoken in a jovial manner, but as soon as Jesse dismissed Emily’s concerns the girl had grown cold and blunt. Her admonition to “Take notes” was as sharp as a cut across Jesse’s hand.

Not wanting to put a wedge between them again, Jesse assured her, “I’ll head to the safe room to take a quick nap.”

“And I’ll walk beside you, in case you start to fall.”

She could see there was no arguing with Emily. Taking a breath to clear her mind she started to leave the office. With each step her head pounded harder as she saw visions of bubbling red and black.

She had been seeing the visions more frequently of late, the more Hiss they cleared out the stronger the visions. And with them the pounding in her head increased as her body started to feel weaker.

Arish looked up from the table where he was planning out troop deployment. He looked a little surprised to see Emily. Jesse would tell he wanted to make a comment on it, something like “haven’t seen you leave the office since Jesse called you down to the Foundation.”

But a look from Emily kept him from saying anything as he turned his eyes back to the table, looking like a scolded puppy.

Jesse felt the same way as Emily fixed that same look on her as she motioned to the Safe room. She was *not* going to let Jesse get away.

The door had barely closed behind them before Emily pointed to the bed.

“I know I can’t get you to take a full 8 hours, but please at least try to sleep for a few hours.”

Just as she started to lie back, Jesse realized why her head had been feeling like a balloon about to pop.

Why she’d felt so weak.

“I’m losing it.”

Her heart was racing as her palms started to sweat. Her head was pounding even worse now like the Hiss were trying to break into her mind.

_I’m dying._

“Losing what?” inquired Emily. Through the black dots in Jesse’s vision the woman looked worried.

Could she see it as well?

The truth that Jesse was fading from existence along with the Hiss.

“My connection to Polaris. My connection to this world. The more we clear out the Hiss the weaker I feel. I think Polaris is leaving me and it’s killing me.”

“Jesse are—No, no. That’s not the case.” Emily shook her head firmly as if she also had to assure herself, “Jesse, that’s not the case. I’ve run tests on you recently and your connection to Polaris is as strong as ever. You are just tired. Your head is pounding and you feel weak, correct?”

Jesse nodded; surprised Emily knew the way she was feeling so well.

“Those are symptoms of exhaustion. You probably can’t even recall the last time you slept. And I can’t remember the last time I saw you enter a safe room to sleep. I doubt you’ve taken any breaks when you’ve been away from Central Executive. Plus, you barely eat and the only time I see you drink anything is when you are sitting with me. You’re not taking care of yourself, Jesse.”

She wanted to argue but felt too weak as she lay back on the bed.

“I know you want to help. I know you want to fix everything, but you’re not going to help anyone if you collapse from exhaustion. You need to rest. If you’re going to take care of others you have to first take care of yourself.”

Emily’s voice sounded like it was coming at a distance as Jesse’s head spun. She felt like Dorothy in the home as it spun round and round in the tornado.

Over the rushing winds she heard her own voice tell Emily, “But there’s still so much left to do.”

“Yes. And that’s why you put Arish and me in charge. He’s taking care of clearing out the Hiss and I’m in charge of finding a way to bring back the infected. You’re not doing this alone, Jesse.”

Through the fog she felt Emily’s hand touch her own. Her fingers were rougher than Jesse expected. No, not Emily’s hand, it was the blanket. The blanket touched her hand as Emily pulled the cover up to Jesse’s chin.

“We’re working with you. That means you can trust us to pick up the slack when you need a break. And right now you dearly need a break. So just lie down and get some rest. Trust me. We’ll make sure that things don’t fall apart while you sleep. There will be plenty of work left for you to do when you wake up.”

Jesse smiled gratefully as she let her eyes close as she drifted off.

  


  


A loud sound startled her awake. Shifting in the bed she watched as the door to the room came open. From a distance she heard a voice call out, “Don’t go in there.”

She recognized the quick order as coming from Emily as the woman rushed over a moment later to stop another worker from entering the room.

“Go find somewhere else to rest.”

The person looked confused as they turned to look into the room. Jesse quickly covered her head but was not sure she’d moved quickly enough.

Her face felt hot. This was mortifying. She shouldn’t be sleeping. She should be out there clearing out the Hiss. Setting the bureau back in order.

She heard light footsteps then felt the presence of someone standing over her. A flash from Polaris told her it was Emily as she threw off the blanket from her head.

“Sorry about that. I should have left a sign on the door.”

“What? Director sleeping.”

Jesse sat up as she spun around to let her legs hang over the side of the bed as her feet touched the ground.

“Everyone is tired, Emily. Everyone is working hard. I don’t have any right to stop just because I’m a little tired.”

As she stood she again felt the Old House shift beneath her feet. Emily grabbed her, helping her back to the bed.

“And I would tell them the same thing I’m telling you now: Sleep. That’s an order. Don’t make me lock you in here, Jesse.”

Her eyes burned. It felt like she was losing grasp of the situation. In her hand she still held her gun. Held it like she held her desire for control.

Ever since she’d lost her brother there was no time when she’d felt like she was in control of her life. But since getting the gun she felt like she’d gained some power. A power that was not just the abilities like levitation and projection, but also the power to see things through to the end.

Now Emily was telling her to lay it all down. To rest. It was like she was trying to take it all away from her. Metaphorically taking her control from her hands and asking her to give it to someone else.

She wasn’t a control freak. It’s just that, the thought of giving up the control to take care of things made her hyperventilate.

Emily noticed her breathing had quickened as she knelt beside the bed. Resting her hands on Jesse’s arm she assured her, “It’s okay, Jesse. Trust us. You put us in charge for a reason, because you saw something in us. Please trust us to take care of this while we trust you to take care of yourself. You’re not doing any good by wearing yourself thin. Not us, not the bureau. Not Dylan.”

At the mention of her brother Jesse felt her heart stab with guilt.

He had been the first person she’d let down because she’d lost control. That time it had been her emotions. This time it was her body.

Emily was right. It was good for her to let go now. To release control to someone else. To put the fate of the bureau in Emily and Arish’s hands while she took a moment to rest.

“But only a moment.”

Emily nodded as Jesse let her press her the rest of the way onto the bed. The woman again pulled the blanket up to her chin a she gave her look like she was a mother ordering her child to “Stay.”

A wide yawn kept her from arguing as she felt a weight on her eyelids that pulled them closed as she faded back to sleep. 

_____

When Jesse opened her eyes the room was dark. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed.

Had it only been a few minutes?

A few hours?

The shadows and feeling of being alone reminded her of the time she had almost been taken over by the Hiss. At that time she’d dreamed she was only an office worker at the Old House. Emily had been an assistant for the director and couldn’t stand Jesse. The whole dream she’d bad mouthed Jesse while gushing over how handsome the new director was.

At the time Jesse hadn’t had a chance to think about the meaning of it all, but now she wondered why she had dreamed of Emily that way.

_I wish she had stayed._

Adjusting her position on the bed she found she wasn’t alone. Turning she found Emily lying beside her.

She was on her back, her eyes closed, sleep making her features look softer. She resembled a Disney Princess waiting for her prince to come along.

Jesse felt her heart flutter in her chest as her eyes traveled over the lines of the woman’s face, lingering for a moment on her pink dahlia lips.

Emily stirred as if sensing Jesse studying her. Lying back, Jesse pretended to be asleep as she felt the mattress shift as Emily sat up.

She felt fingers on her cheek, Emily’s fingers, as she lightly brushed Jesse’s cheek, pushing back a strand of hair that had fallen over her forehead. Her touch was as light as a breathe and made Jesse’s skin tingle as she felt herself took in a shuddered breathe.

“Sorry, did I wake you? I was just checking you didn’t have a fever.”

Jesse’s lips curled with a playful smile, “Careful, Pope, someone might think you’re the type who gets sentimental.”

Emily’s mouth twitched for a moment before settling into a smile, “You’re right. I have to stay impartial so I can make the touch decisions when needed.”

Jesse let out a tired groan as she stretched her body, “I thought you had left.”

Emily’s smile was soft, slightly groggy like she hadn’t completely come awake, “I had. But I came back to check on you and the way you were sleeping so soundly reminded me just how tired I am” Her eyes shifted back to the door, “I left a note outside to make sure we weren’t disturbed.”

The words were innocent enough, but Jesse felt her body heat with a strange longing. Again her gaze was drawn to Emily’s lips as she found herself wishing Emily would kiss her.

Polaris seemed to react to the longing as if reminding her she was still there. Emily had been right. Lack of sleep had just made her paranoid about losing her connection to the entity.

Emily’s fingers were back on her skin as she felt the woman brush away another strand of hair. If only she would keep her hands there.

_If only…what?_

Emily’s fingers pressed more firmly into Jesse’s skin as she felt her lips press against her own. In that moment it felt like it did whenever Jesse and Polaris were cleansing an AI, powerful and coursing through her whole body.

As soon as it had started it ended as Emily pulled back.

She looked startled, like when you’ve done something wrong. Pulling away further she got off the bed entirely, looking at Jesse like the woman had done something to her.

_Did I do something?_

Emily’s fingers touched her lips hesitantly like she wasn’t sure if it had been real. Then she blinked, dropping her hand as her shoulders rolled back. Her face took on that business expression she got when talking to her staff. A look she never wore with Jesse.

Jesse felt a sharp pulse in her brain like when the Hiss were nearby. A pain like something was being taken away from her.

‘Sorry, I just…forget that happened,” stated Emily, “it was unprofessional. I shouldn’t…I should get back to work.”

Before she could leave Jesse sat up as she called after her, “When the lockdown is over and we can get out did you want to go out for coffee?”

Emily paused at the door, hand hovering above the open button, “I don’t drink coffee.” Understanding showed in her eyes as she added, “But-but yes, I would like to get a beverage with you in the future.”

Then she was gone as the door closed firmly behind her. 

///

Jesse managed to fall asleep after Emily had left.

She wasn’t sure how long she slept but when she got up her neck ached like she’d fallen asleep wrong.

Heading out of the safe room the first thing she noticed was that Central Executive had been completely cleared out. The tables were no longer set up, filled with maps of the Old House. The staff writing on white boards were gone along with the boards. The boxes stacked up along the walls had been cleared away.

Panic filled her chest as she hurried to the board room. It was empty as well, the boxes and white boards all gone.

Her throat was choked with worry till her vision swept to the side where she spotted Emily standing holding her usual clipboard as she looked to be marking things off.

As soon as she spotted Jesse a wide smile spread across her face.

“Jesse, you’re awake.”

“Where is everyone?”

Jesse heard her voice come out breathless, like she’d been running.

“We did it. We cleared out everything and turned off the lockdown. I had everyone move things back to their designated areas and have dismissed several people to their homes. I’m glad you woke up; I’m just about to head out myself. Did you want to get that coffee now?”

Jesse felt her pulse slow as her nerves calmed.

‘Yeah.”

Emily led the way as she took them to a coffee shop near the Bureau. There they found an empty table that gave them a view of the street outside.

“Let’s not talk about work,” stated Jesse as they took their seats.

Emily nodded, “Agreed. Does asking what you did before you became director count?”

Jesse laughed, “I guess not. I mostly worked odd jobs. Retail. Waiter. I’ve been a janitor a few times. That was actually the last job I worked.”

Emily laughed lightly, “From janitor to director. That’s one meteoric rise.”

They laughed together before Emily took a sip of her tea.

“What about you?”

“Oh, I was recruited by the bureau right out of college. Darling had been keeping an eye on me.”

“Okay, we’re getting back to work stuff. What kinds of things do you like to do for fun?”

They talked about that for a bit before Emily realized, “My plants at home are probably all dead.” That thought led her to another as she realized, “Do you have anywhere to stay now that we’re free?”

_I don’t. I just came to New York without a plan for what I would do after I found the Bureau._

“I’m pretty much homeless. I came straight here and don’t have much money left.”

Emily rubbed her forefinger against the surface of the mug thoughtfully, “Did you want to come back with me till you find a place? You can take a shower.”

Not till she was presented with the offer did she realize just how much she wanted that.

“That sounds amazing.”

They finished their drinks then headed out as Emily led her to her apartment. It wasn’t that far from work, within walking distance. At the door of the apartment Emily paused as she said, “Please excuse the mess. I left thinking I’d be back at the end of the day and didn’t expect to have company with me the next time I came home.”

Jesse gave her a reassuring smile as she said, “It’s fine with me. I don’t mind a mess.”

Emily didn’t look convinced as she hesitated for another moment before opening up. As soon as the door was open she hurried inside, heading straight to a window she opened in anticipation of the smell that had gathered in the room from the rotted plants and disuse.

Emily’s apartment was one of those tiny apartments with a couch that folded out into a bed. Instead of paintings her walls were covered in white boards that were filled with equations and data. All the surfaces: couch, counters, tables were filled with boxes full of files and papers.

Emily started picking things up as she told Jesse, “You can take the shower first.”

There was a door between the fridge and couch. Inside she found a standing shower on one wall with toilet and sink pressed close into the other corner.

She savored the warm water running over her bare skin as she let herself get lost in the feeling.

Then she recalled Emily also needed warm water as she hurried to lather, rinse, repeat.

It was only after she’d turned off the water she realized she did not have anything to dry off with. That’s when there was a light knock at the door.

“I’ve got a towel and robe for you.”

Jesse opened the door just enough for Emily to hand the things through. She could see the woman had her face turned away to ensure Jesse had complete privacy.

Once she’d dried off she came out in the robe as she found Emily just finishing clearing off the kitchen counters.

“All the food in my fridge was spoiled so I ordered food. If you hear the door that’s it.”

Emily motioned to a cupboard next to the couch as she said, “You can find some clothes to change into in there. Just pick whatever you want.”

She grabbed her own robe and towel before heading into the bathroom.

Opening the cabinet, Jesse was not surprised to find that all Emily’s clothes were neatly folded into stacks inside the cupboard. Everything looked to be color coded as well as she found a grey-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants. As soon as she was dressed she heard the water in the bathroom shut off as Emily came out a moment later.

Her skin was glowing, her hair glistening with water as she toweled it off in the living room/kitchen.

Noticing Jesse staring she wore a curious smile as she inquired, “Is something wrong?”

“You just…”

_Look cute. But I probably shouldn’t say that._

The door rang as Jesse hurried forward, “I’ll get that.”

It was the Chinese food.

“I forgot to ask if you even like Chinese,” stated Emily as they set out the containers on the kitchen counter.

“I do.”

While they ate, Jesse casually looked around Emily’s apartment. The place was pretty bare after she’d cleaned up. But it was the things she’d left out that Jesse focused on. The things that would tell her about who Emily was outside of work.

On the false fireplace she noticed an image of the woman when she was younger. It was horizontally framed as people that looked like Emily’s parents stood on either side of a younger Emily. The man looked severe as he stood with his hand on Emily’s shoulder. On her other side a woman was wearing a strained smile, the one that Emily wore when she was trying to look pleasant. In the middle Emily wore a blank expression as she held up her diploma.

Jesse didn’t know much about graduations, but knew the sash Emily was wearing meant she’d graduated with honors. Though it appeared like it should be a proud moment, the whole image gave Jesse a depressed vibe.

_Why is this the image she chose to display?_

As if hearing her question, Emily looked to the photo as she said, “That’s the last time I saw them together.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No. They’re not dead. It’s just…I spent my whole life trying to get their attention, but it was never enough. Eventually I decided I would stop caring about what they wanted and focus on my own passions. It was when I accepted the position at the bureau that I finally got their attention. They argued that I wasn’t living up to my potential by working in fringe science. I reminded them their fields of science had once been fringe as well till enough people were able to prove its legitimacy.”

Emily poked her chopsticks into a piece of chicken, doing nothing more to bring it to her mouth to eat it, “They weren’t happy, but I told them I didn’t need their approval.”

“You’re right. You’ve more than proven yourself as capable, Head of Research.”

Emily gave a smile, but it quickly faded. Though she’d said she didn’t need their approval it was apparent that was only something she said to assure herself but not something she actually believed.

Changing the subject, Jesse pointed to the young Emily in the photo as she inquired, “What was teenage Emily like?”

“She was a teacher’s pet. Always doing extra credit for fun. Or making up assignments for herself to do outside of class. She was the kid who always had a book to read. Books as thick as textbooks. She corrected the teacher when they were wrong. Argued with her fellow egg heads at lunch about cryptids and science stuff.”

The light was almost back in her eyes as she fixed her gaze on Jesse, “What about you?”

“Teenage Jesse didn’t get to do the whole school experience. She mostly got her education on the streets and from the odd jobs she picked up along the way. She learned math from a janitor who had been a mathematician in his home country before a war forced him to flee. She read the classics during her night job working security, borrowing them from the library she worked for in the mornings. Or she would spend slow hours watching old movies at an old video store in a small town.”

“What was your favorite movie?”

“Weird movies that others didn’t really understand because the plot was so out there and you were never quite sure what was going on. What about you?”

“Oh, I didn’t watch movies that much growing up. My parents thought time was better spent learning new things or bettering oneself. The only time I had a chance to watch TV was when I was hanging out with my friends. But even then I’d end up reading a book or doing homework. Teenage me always had to be doing three things at once, or I didn’t feel like I was doing enough.”

“What about Emily now?”

She swallowed as she looked off to the side, as if looking through the wall, past it to a time before then, “Emily now realizes that doing so many things at once stretches one’s focus so one can’t give all their attention to one thing. That means increasing your chances of slipping up and making mistakes. Emily now realizes it’s best to focus on one problem at a time. And the things you can’t understand, can’t make sense of in the moment, you just have to come back to, because there are more pressing things to worry about in the present.”

Jesse smiled as she recalled Emily using that method in the Foundation. She had felt like Jesse had called her, when she hadn’t, but instead of dwelling on the mystery of that, she’d realized studying the Nail and understanding it was a more pressing issue.

Thinking about it now, Jesse wondered again what had compelled Emily to join her. What had actually led her there?

_Was it you?_

Polaris flashed for a moment but didn’t give a clear answer.

“If you could only eat one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would it be? And don’t think about it too hard. Just say the first thing that pops to--.”

“Soup,” answered Emily, “There are several different kinds so there’s little chance you’ll get tired of it. And you can put all kinds of ingredients into it so you’ll get all the nutrients you need.”

It was apparent from her answer that she’d thought about the question and answer before.

“What abot you?”

“I was going to say pizza.”

“That’s a good one as well. You can also mix up the ingredients in it to keep things fresh.”

Behind her, Jesse took in the small kitchen. The cabinets were tall, going up to the ceiling. Jesse’s brow furrowed as she wondered how Emily managed to get anything out of the top shelves. She couldn’t image the girl climbing the cabinets.

Seeing where her eyes were focused, Emily walked over, opening one of the cabinets as she showed off her pull down cabinets.

“I got tired of climbing the cabinets,” her sheepish grin was so cute Jesse had to look away.

“Do you do much cooking in here? I pictured you as someone who would get distracted and come back to bunt food.”

Emily laughed good-naturedly. “That is accurate. But the reason I chose soup as my forever food is because I make a lot of it. I have a pressure cooker and I just cut up the stuff I want in it, put it in, set it up, and let it go. Even if I get distracted with a thought the cooker keeps the soup warm. I just make a big batch then freeze the left overs.”

“I wouldn’t mind trying some the next time you make a batch.”

“Yeah, sure. What kind do you want?”

“Whatever is your specialty.”

Emily chuckled, “I can do that.”

She came back to sit on the bench across from Jesse, “What about you? What level of cook would you say you are?”

“The takeout kind. I’ve never had a place with a kitchen so the only thing I can make is PB and Js.”

“I would offer to teach you, but soup is really the only thing I can manage. But Arish is a really good cook. I bet if you asked him he’d be more than happy to give you some pointers.”

“I don’t know. He might feel obligated to say yes since I’m the director. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to do things for me because of my position.”

“Speaking of positions,” Emily pressed her lips into a thin line before saying, “About the kiss.”

Jesse brought her chopsticks together too hard as the chicken she’d been trying to grab shot up into the air before falling back into the container.

“Can we pretend it never happened?”

Emily’s expression was sad, like the image of her at graduation.

Jesse felt her jaw flex as she dropped her eyes to the food, “If you feel it was a mistake you regret then yes, let’s forget it.”

Jesse felt like her heart was going to break as right after that she made up an excuse to leave.

“I forgot my jacket at the bureau.”

It was only after she was out the door that she realized she was wearing her jacket. But if Emily had noticed she hadn’t stopped her.

It was apparent Emily wanted nothing more to do with her. The kiss was a mistake. It was best to forget it and move on.

_So why can’t I?_

___

At work Jesse focused all her attention on exploring the Old House to make sure there were no more loose Objects of Power.

After climbing up a section of wall she took a moment to stop as she lay back on the ledge looking up at the ceiling. The light above glowed with a florescent white that made her eyes sting.

Rolling onto her side she found herself picturing Emily lying beside her. Reaching out she traced the lines of her face with her fingers, lingering for a moment on her lips as the Emily in her mind closed her eyes as if waiting for Jesse to initiate the kiss this time.

Pulling her hand back, she pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes as she lay on her back and let out a distressed groan.

_I can’t keep doing this. I can’t be getting confused. I have more pressing things to focus on._

Polaris swirled in her mind as if to voice her agreement.

But it was hard to concentrate on anything else as she recalled how cute Emily had looked when she’d been fresh out of the shower, her skin aglow.

It wasn’t just the way she looked that that distracted Jesse; it was also the way she treated Jesse, always greeting her with an eager smile. A smile she never wore for anyone else.

_Don’t make the mistake of thinking it means you are special._

It was hard because of how easy it was for her to talk to Emily. How quick they were able to just start bantering about various things like they’d known each other for years and had all these inside jokes.

_She was the first one to accept me as director._

_Because she’s a good employee._

It was hard because of how happy it made her to make Emily happy. Like when she’d found the ID cards in the Foundation. She could still recall how excited Emily had been when she’d handed over the unique card. Still remembered the way her eyes had lit up and how bright her smile had looked as she’d practically vibrated with eager energy. Seeing her like that had made Jesse feel like she was filled with electricity and it had made her want to tear the Foundation apart just to find more cards for Emily, just so she could see her smile like that again.

_Why can’t I stop feeling like this? Why does it hurt so much? Come on, Jesse, get your head in the game._

She knew she couldn’t be getting distracted like this. She had the Old House to take care of. The people of the bureau. Dylan. She couldn’t be letting one person sidetrack her from what was important.

But Emily wasn’t just some person. 

___

When she got back to Central Executive she took a seat in one of the chairs in an unoccupied meeting room. The room was no longer filled with personal making it feel empty, like her heart.

_God, I’m so dramatic._

The door creaked as her heart skipped in anticipation. It dropped immediately as she watched Arish come into the room.

He looked startled before a bright smile stretched across his face, “You hiding from Emily in here?”

Jesse’s brow furrowed at the accusation. The *accurate* accusation.

“No. I just…I was taking a breath.”

_I’m a terrible liar._

“Oh, sorry. It was mostly a joke. Although Pope has been a little brusque lately. Like that time after you two had that argument in the Foundation.”

_Do people not have anything better to do than gossip?_

“I’m actually glad you are here. I’ve got some updates from Langston about some possible OOPs.”

Jesse took the folder, “I’ll go check them out now.”

“It’s not that important you do it right now. You can take a break. No need to work yourself so hard you have to crash for three days again.”

Jesse frowned as she looked back at him, “Three days. Emily told me I slept for two.”

“Two and a half,” he smiled as if remembering something funny, “Pope barely got any work done the whole time. She kept checking up on you, making sure you were still alive. I was sure she was going to put an IV on you with how she was acting. She couldn’t seem to focus on anything else and got as brusque then as she’s been lately,” his smile changed to a worried frown, “Does she have any reason to worry about you now?”

“No. I’m fine. And I’ll be careful so you don’t have to worry.”

She patted his shoulder before heading out.

____

The Foundation looked exactly as it had the last time she’d been there.

Like it was frozen in time.

She didn’t really like going down there, it never felt right to her, but it was a quiet place she knew she could be alone. A place she could go to get away from Emily.

_Wrong._

She spotted the woman standing in front of the Nail, looking it over as she made notes on her clipboard. As if sensing her presence, Emily turned back, a bright smile shining out as she called to her, “Jesse, what are you doing down here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

The woman motioned back to the Nail, “I still come down here to study it.”

Jesse joined her, standing at her side as they stared at the large black obelisk together. In the black surface she noticed there were two reflections of them, one where they stood side by side with a jagged red line between them. Beside that was the same image with nothing between them.

It was like looking into two universes, one where they were separated, like her dream with the Hiss. And another where they were together, like the real world.

_Before the kiss._

Jesse had noticed when Emily had smiled in greeting that she’d looked nervous, like she couldn’t completely remember how her smile was supposed to look.

If that was the same she continued to give Jesse, one of tension and not knowing how to act, Jesse didn’t know if she could go on. It be would be like living in the world of the Hiss again.

In that moment she realized what it had all meant: her worst fear was not having Emily in her life.

“Emily.”

“Yeah.” Her eyes remained fixed on the clipboard as she wrote something down.

‘About the kiss…” Emily’s pen stopped moving. “I don’t want to forget it happened. In fact,” she licked her lips to give her pulse a chance to slow down, “I really want it to happen again.”

She turned to face Emily as the woman looked at her, her expression strained as she waited for Jesse to finish.

“I know it’s probably best for the bureau that we don’t pursue this, and part of me agrees it’s dangerous and could put lives in jeopardy, but another part says it would be a bigger mistake not to pursue this. And that part says the only reason I have to not act on these feelings it because of fear. And I don’t want to make the same mistake I did with Dylan and let my fears control me.”

Emily continued to remain silent, her expression tense.

_This isn’t want she wants. I should just drop it._

Polaris flared, coaxing her to go on as she said, “After Polaris left I felt empty and lost and after the kiss, when you pulled back, I felt that way again. I don’t want to say you complete me, that’s a lot to put on a person, but you do make my life better. From the first moment you accepted me as director, when no one else ever had, I felt connected to you. I’ve never done anything right in my life, I’ve always been brash, but you still smile at me even when I make mistakes. You make me feel like I don’t have to go it alone.”

She took a breath, feeling out of breath, as she rubbed her palms against her jeans.

“Maybe this is just friendship, or being a good coworker, but maybe it’s more. And if it’s more I don’t want to miss out on it because of fear. I’ve already missed out on so much because of that. Because I ran away. So, if you are okay with it, can we not pretend the kiss didn’t happen?”

She felt her heart pause as time seemed to stop as Emily stared at her. Her expression was unreadable. Then slowly she saw a smile curl at the edge of her lips.

“Ya, I’d like that.”

Jesse smiled back as Emily said, “After work, did you want to analyze this more, figure out what this is exactly between us.”

Jesse chuckled, “Of course you want to study it and collect data”

Emily frowned like Jesse had offended her, ‘And what would you rather do?”

Jesse stepped closer, taking Emily’s hand in hers as she ran her thumb over the back of her hand, “You know me,” she interlaced their fingers before lifting her eyes to gaze into Emily’s eyes, “I prefer to jump in feet first.”

Emily’s voice was soft as she said, “That can get you into a lot of trouble.”

Jesse’s smile crooked to the side, “Yeah, but I know I have you to back me up. To make sure I don’t get in over my head.”

They smiled at each other for a moment before Jesse leaned down, watching as Emily’s eyes closed in anticipation. She smiled as she felt Polaris prod her on before she closed the gap.

Like the first time she felt a pulse shoot through her body, making every part of her tingle. But unlike the last time, things did not end after only a moment, but stretched on and on as the two fell deeper and deeper into the feeling. The feeling of each other.

_____

[Bonus: Emily’s side]

From the first moment that Jesse stepped into the board room Emily knew something was wrong.

Usually Jesse had this crooked smile, like she took nothing seriously. But Emily knew that was far from the truth.

Jesse had the weight of the world on her shoulders being the director of a top secret organization that dealt with the paranormal. Not ghosts or aliens, but with items the bureau called Altered Items. Like the one that Emily always carried with her: the Director’s gun.

Today she was holding the gun particularly tight, like an outward manifestation of her need to keep a firm hold on things.

Emily understood the sentiment. There was still a lot to do, even though they were close to completely eradicating the Hiss from the bureau. But seeing the way Jesse was holding onto her gone, paired with her pale and drawn expression, had Emily worried. It seemed to her like the director was putting some unnecessary pressures on herself and it was starting to manifest on the outside.

Jesse seemed distracted. Emily told herself it was because she had a lot on her mind and was on edge because of her concern for making sure everything went smoothly as they made the transition over to ending lockdown.

Then Jesse stumbled and Emily felt like her world was breaking apart.

  


  


Emily was still feeling groggy as she woke from her nap.

She had only planned to shut her eyes for a few quick moments but the bed had been warm, heated by Jesse’s body. The sound of Jesse’s slow breathing had been like a calming white noise to her mind, lulling her into a restful sleep.

Now that she was awake her mind was back to buzzing, the main focus of the hum being about how cute Jesse looked with hair slightly tousled from sleep, a lazy smile on her lips as she rested her chin on her hand.

Being this close she noticed Jesse’s scent, leather and ozone, lightning. Just how she’d imagine bottled lightning would smell.

Emily felt a pull, like ions in a storm, drawing her to Jesse. The tug drew her eyes to Jesse’s lips which looked warm and inviting.

<>Are they as soft as they look?

There was really only one way to find out.

Like a green light she felt a pulse, signaling to her that Jesse had the same feeling. The same desire.

Before she could take time to consider the signal she felt herself lean in as she kissed Jesse.

It was like touching a live wire as she felt like every part of her was buzzing.

The feeling was right on par with discovering a new AI. It even surpassed excitement she had felt when she’d first seen the Needle in the Foundation.

The Foundation.

She’d felt a similar pulse at that time. A pull that had given her the feeling that Jesse was calling to her. That she needed her in the Foundation.

Even back then she had acted without considering what it all meant or how she’d received the call. She’d just gathered up her team and headed down because Jesse had needed her. The director had needed her head of research.

The director.

She was kissing the director.

Emily pulled back as she realized what she was doing.

“I’m sorry.”

  


  


Emily and Jesse were having a good time at Emily’s apartment. In the moment it felt like a normal hangout between friends. Not Emily the head of research or Jesse the director. They were just Emily and just Jesse. Hanging out, discussing their childhood and things they liked.

It was nice and Emily wished it would never end. But as soon a she wished this reality came rushing back as she recalled another wish and its ramifications.

“Can we pretend the kiss never happened?”

It was the logical thing to do. The whole thing had been inappropriate and was something that could cause the bureau problems if they pursued it. It was best for everyone if they just forgot about it.

Though she knew what was best, what was logical, for the first time in forever her emotions came in louder. Screaming even, as they begged Jesse to contradict reason. To tell her it was okay. To disagree with her like she’d done at the Foundation. To fight with her. For her. To tell her it didn’t matter if she was the Director or Emily the Head of research. That in that moment, in every moment, they could also just be Jesse and Emily. And in those moments nothing else mattered but their feelings.

_What are my feelings?_

She didn’t have time to consider as Jesse replied, “If you feel it was a mistake you regret then yes, let’s forget it.” without putting up any sort of fight whatsoever.

Jesse, the girl who had fought so hard against the Hiss. The one who had spent seventeen years searching for her brother had just given up.

Emily felt like she’d been shattered as she found herself reliving her Hiss nightmare. The reality that her world had become when Hedron had been destroyed.

In that moment she’d found herself floating in nothingness.

She did not know how long she floated there before a pinprick of light appeared in front of her. As she floated closer she saw the light was coming from a doorway. Darling was standing in the doorway. Through the open door she could see his lab.

Before she could enter he stopped her as he told her, “Get me some coffee.”

“Coffee? I’m not your secretary. When are you going to use me for my full potential?”

Darling let out a derisive snort, “Potential? You think I hired you for your potential? No, I hired you because you’re cute and easy on the eyes. So how about you just do what I hired you for and sit there looking pretty. And while you’re at that get us some coffee.”

“Yeah.” Just then Jesse stepped out from the doorway with a sneer she focused on Emily. “Who cares what you have to say, Pope? Just go scurry over there and make us some coffee.”

With that the two let out cold laughs as they turned back into the room, closing the door behind them.

She felt herself run forward, reaching the door in a moment as she found it locked. On the other side she heard them laughing, the sound quickly changing to moans of pleasure as furniture scraped across the floor.

She felt sick as she turned away, finding herself once again floating in darkness. Back to being alone, unappreciated, uncared for. Nothing more than a tool used by those she thought had cared for her. Those who should have cared for her.

_You are the worm through time._

_The thunder song distorts you._

_Happiness comes._

_White pearls, but yellow and red in the eye._

_Through a mirror, inverted is made right._

With that she heard her mother’s voice saying, “This is all your fault. She wouldn’t have turned out like this if you hadn’t insisted on turning her into a mini version of yourself. Like the world needs more of your arrogance.”

Her father scoffed as he reminded her mother, “Don’t blame this all on me. You are the one who wanted a child. We were perfectly happy on our own. And don’t like you didn’t love showing her off like one of your inventions. “I made this.””

‘And look how well that turned out. She’s off studying some fringe science like that’s going to get her any accolades.”

Emily heard her own voice ask, “Is that all that matters to you?”

Her parents turned, starting at her with the same cold stares that Darling and Jesse had worn, “What’s the point of having a child if they can’t increase your prestige?”

Then together they realized, “We never should have had you.”

_Leave your insides by the door._

_Push the fingers through the surface into the wet._

_You’ve always been the new you._

_You want this to be true._

Deeper and deeper she felt herself falling as more and more memories of her life flashed through her mind. Disappointments. Times she’d failed. Times she’d been failed. And there again was the door with Darling and Jesse.

They were talking together before looking at her. They turned away, closing the door behind them, reminding her did not belong. That she never would.

There was no place in the world in which she belonged. She might as well succumb to the darkness. To the feeling of nothingness. Because hadn’t nothing always been what she was?

_“You want to listen. You want to dream.”_

“Emily.”

_“You want to smile.”_

“Don’t give up.”

_“You want to hurt.”_

“I need you.”

_“You don’t want to be.”_

“I need *you* Emily.”

Up ahead there was a pinprick of light, a break in the darkness where the sound came through, louder and louder till it was all she could hear. Over the chanting of the Hiss, over the beating of her heart, she heard the voice calling to her, “Emily come back to me.”

With that she was back in the world.

Back to reality.

She was again sitting in the board room, clipboard in hand. A moment after that the doors burst open as Jesse ran into the room.

A look of relief came across her face as soon as she saw Emily sitting in her usual spot.

Emily smiled back as in that moment she realized everything would be okay.

She’d found her place.

It was here.

Here with Jesse.

  


“Yes ma’am, Director Faden!”

“Please, Emily. Not even as a joke.”


End file.
